just a mum

Strictly Poor Show

2008-11-20T01:16:00.000-08:00

I have always been a huge fan of the Strictly come dancing show, as firstly it is one that the whole family can sit round and enjoy with a few sweets and laugh at the outrageous costumes, and enjoy the effortless grace of the professionals and admire the fact that Darren Bennett can make white pumps look cool!.

The show in my mind has always been a bit of a variety show, with some of the celebrities there to show the world that apart from reviving a breathless career and angling for a part in Chicago that they actually can dance and are not just a one trick pony. Then you have the celebrities there who are purely there for crowd entertainment who cant dance for toffee but can make the judges argue and Craig Greville Hall give the infamous score of 1 an airing (priceless).

So it seems rather idiotic to me that John Sergeant has made this furor of leaving the show as he NOW deems it unfair for him to carry on in the competition as it is a DANCE competition , where have you been John Living in a cave , I would say dancing in a cave but we all know that would be stretching things a bit.

I feel very disappointed , as hundreds if not thousands of people put the spanner in the works by voting for this dance nightmare for the sheer fact that they wanted him to stay in the show, after all this is what a democracy is all about , unfair in this instance or not this is the name of the game of Strictly come Dancing , the people have the chance to vote. So it just makes a total sham of things for him to let everyone down now, why not at the beginning we all new week one he couldn't bloody string two steps together.

All I can think of is the power of the press factor here to rival the x Factors press coverage which again is taking strictly to an even tackier level than that of the male celebrities Latin shirts, are we all mugs.

I think the tv producers feel we are with all these reality tv shows and everyone on the xfactor being "world Class" all of which you never hear hide nor hair of again once the cameras stop rolling after they are voted off.

This could go one of two ways now. John will either make a grand gesture of rejoining the show (which I think he will) which will send voters into a frenzy, or they will make him into a mar tyre on the show on Saturday which will make people tune in to watch anyway just to see if he does show up, either way the bbc cannot loose.

I think they misjudges his exit by a week or two though if you ask me, as on the t'other side, 2 weeks ago Mariah Carey was on which I would of thought would have been a more credible opponent in the ratings war, this week we have the amazing talent of Same Difference on the xFactor Stage which will probably have people turning to the BBC for cover anyway I hope!

Painful nostalgia

2007-10-18T05:48:00.000-07:00

Just to confuse half term even more, my eldest sons school breaks up a week before my other children's various schools, which completely buggers up my last week of morning freedom, er I mean , lets me have some "quality" time with no.1 son! , quality time in inverted commas indeed.

Well as he started a new big school this year I thought it would be nice if he spent a day or so with his new chums, so we invited one to come swimming for the day. Just happens to be the one friend who is the son of my other children's french teacher (great pick there son) but hey ho, off we go to the local leisure centre swimming.

I myself did not partake, just sat in the viewing gallery without a coffee as the blasted cafeteria was closed, just as well as paint stripper resembles the quality of coffee on offer there.

So there I sat watching the children with my quick crosswords book which after attempting several and not completing them leaving me to feel like a total do-do I started to people watch and contemplate.

It was 4 years ago next Friday when our world around us, as we knew it then collapsed.

One night of severe agony in my tummy 8 weeks after the birth of our 5th child, a rush to casualty and an emergency 5 hour operation later and I discovered in intensive care I had advanced aggressive bowel cancer, complete with colostomy bag. If that wasn't enough 3 days later just after emerging from intensive care, another fatal blow, the other half of my bowel burst, leaving me with another 5 hour op peritonitis and an ieliostomy, some people get ologys you know, but I had to go one further.

A dark bleak time followed, 5 children , a damp house in need of renovation we had just moved to, and advanced cancer, things you would have thought couldn't have got any worse.

They did.

6 months of agonising chemo, with every side effect you can and cannot possibly imagine, radiotherapy, builders (you must read my book A November to remember, and yes I try to plug it in every blog!)10 more hours of surgery, I don't think any one could even attempt to beat my determination to get through.

Whilst I was frequenting casualty my husband was in charge of the children. dropping the ones at school to school, the one at nursery to nursery , and then off to the leisure centre to put baby in the creche whilst he had a valuable hour to himself to pray whilst on the running machine that I would come back safe.

Sitting by that very same gym today, I had to wipe a tear from my eye, as it oh so very much reminded me of that fate full time. The time when all I wanted was to go home, praying every night I would start to get better soon, get some strength to do the most menial of tasks, frustrated at my body's lack of compromise to get me home sooner.

I used to watch the nurses change there shifts, to go home to there families and sob each night, knowing I would miss that evenings good night kiss from my little ones, knowing it would be another night without mummy for them, how that scar still throbs inside. Even when I am now chasing the little buggers up the stairs for the umpteenth time to get there jammys on!.

Life has indeed moved on. The house no longer damp, the children no longer very small and the baby no longer a baby. My husband thank full that he is back at work and no longer doing the school run!, and me, a different person completely.

Thank full for life, scarred by the pain cancer causes, but ever, ever so much in the game.

A November to remember is available from Lynn's bowel cancer campaign www.bowelcancer.tv and all good bookshops.

five minutes of fame

2007-10-10T05:56:00.000-07:00

Picture the scene,

I am in my bathroom grouting the tiles I put up oh such a long time ago, when the phone rings. Who can it be I ask myself my husband and children call me on the Mobile and I have no friends so who could be calling?.

Grout covered hands I pick up the phone, low and behold it is Cordelia, I do not know a Cordelia, I think to myself whilst saying a very cheery "Hello" (how false).

It turns out she is from GMTV, and we spoke a few years ago when I was on the show with Lynne Faulds Wood talking about bowel cancer and my trusty book "A NOVEMBER TO REMEMBER " if you STILL haven't got a copy, shame on you.

She wanted to know if I was free for filming the following morning, or that evening to do a piece on wrong diagnosis, in A &E Departments.

Hmm, I thought, this one is tricky as yes I was wrongly diagnosed for 17 years, and in many times at A & E but not at my current A & E whom I very much owe much of my survival too.

Anyhow, Whilst on the phone the postman was careering up the drive with arm fulls of post which he had been unable to deliver due to the strike, some of which needed signing for so I ended the call leaving it that she would call me in five minutes to confirm either today or tomorrow for filming.

It didn't even take me the time it takes to get to the front door to start having second thought, more in fact like the time it took to replace the receiver.

I know my situation is a blue print case of misdiagnosis, but not down to A &E these guys work so so hard to try to stabilise things, some times when I went in I couldn't even speak through sheer pain, and they managed to deal with things professionally and as quick as humanly possible; considering all of the many channels they need to go through just to prescribe an aspirin let alone huge amounts of Morphine which I needed constantly.

They are overworked and underpaid, and a service we can do without. I have seen this from both sides of the card.

My son and I waited for 5 hours to be seen when he fractured his arm, I waited ten minutes when I was rushed in on several occasions, its all about prioritising, and a difficult difficult task that is. Especially when you have the elderly coming in in droves who are only there because mainly they are lonely, or haven't been eating properly, which in turn leaves the children with breakages waiting ,as a break is easier to determine than that of loneliness - or if there actually IS really a root problem underlying all else.

Our A & E is facing closure which in turn is devastating, I know for one I would not have made it any further afield at my worst times and also know that those times could so easily come again, and a&E will be my first port of call for assistance but if it is not there, then where and what do I do?.

Wrong or poor diagnosis is a frightening thing and having experienced this first hand, I know if I had been diagnosed properly all those years ago I would not have suffered like I have, but then again I wouldn't have helped all of those I have by writing about Bowel cancer, so always a double edged sword.

I am not angry or bitter about my diagnosis being missed, due to age I didn't fit the criteria of bowel cancer so it wasn't even thought of. And my case was so severe that my surgeon was amazed during the many operations he performed on me; I am a total contradiction to everything he had read and learned which must be a huge amount, but at the end of the day all that reading he did helped me, as he saved my life from one of the most aggressive silent killers known to man.

Some of us are put on this planet for self gain, self promotion, others the quiet ones to help others for self gain. I like to think of myself as one of the quiet ones along with my surgeon and the armada of nurses and A &E who helped me to get through my cancer, no limelight just respect which is reflected on both sides.

So I was not the right person to criticize A & E and my son was a bit coughy with a chesty cough so I called to say I couldn't commit, and my relief was comforting after making the call.

My son asked me the other day what I was good at ( as in there eyes I believe its not much), I thought about it a bit, anagrams I am fairly good at and I can tile a good floor, ut I believe my forte is or well are(apart from my flashes of brilliance at writing of course) contentment, I am happy with my lot and rarely wish for anything more ( apart from complete isolation from the outside world - should live in a field - animals are far more gentler creatures), and surviving, as I do this without thinking day to day, each day a different challenge never two the same. But the one thing I am not good at is fame, I don't like attention nor talking about myself, writing about myself yes ( a lot can be put into the imagination through word, but I sound a bit like Dick Van Dike from Mary Poppins when I open me gob!, true thing guvner)so the GMTV sofa this time around wasn't beckoning me forth.

So after all the mornings excitement I have a Son who drinks nothing but milk with a cough, and a wall with dried on waterproof grout to clean, oh and I need to call my mother in law back, after picking up the rest of the gang, and then doing the dinner, OH and the chest of drawers needs painting, mirrors need hanging........

The life of a celeb - you just can't beat it!

Elvis has not left this building!

2007-10-02T03:33:00.000-07:00

I don't know whether or not you watched the Greatest Elvis show over the past two weekends hosted by Vernon Kaye, but being great great Elvis fans - we did!.

I understand that Vernon got a lot , well a tremendous amount of stick in the newspapers with regards to his suit, his attempts at Elvis impersonating, I on the other hand think he did a wonderful job of hosting a great show , it just really goes to show us all what an utterly fabulous creation Elvis was.

Some of the "Elvi" as Vernon called them, where so very very good, if you closed your eyes, certain phrasing they used Elvis was back and bigger than ever. One, a Swedish one looked a bit like him and when he sang "If I could dream" well , if he was on x factor he should have won it with that one performance. Joe Espisito was one of the judges who was there for Elvis's original performance of the song however said as he had been at the original nothing would ever come close, which I thought although true a bit harsh as the boy did good.

We where thoroughly entertained by all the Elvi, and thought the show was a great idea, as god only knows how many Elvis's there are out there, and are they doing any harm?, no they are actually bringing the Joy that Elvis did through his music, looks etc.

Balls to them all Vernon, I think you did a great job, and lets be honest no one will ever be able to wear a white suit/black leather suit like Elvis did, never ever.

So to all you miserable reporters out there, there is an easy answer if the show comes back on again, don't watch it!

Happy days!

2007-09-19T06:35:00.000-07:00

Sunday , Monday Happy Days,

Tursday Wednesday Happy Days

Thursdays Friday Happy days

The Weekend Comes

The neighbours have GONE!!!!!!!

Oh bliss, joy and bliss, I am embraced with comfort after those horrid horrid people have packed up and gone.

After taking my daily concoction of sickness tablets and headache tablets and pain killers (priory here I come), I noticed whilst painting my daughters wardrobe a removal van, yes I did pich myself in the hope that I was not indeed hallucinating, but no, a red mark from the pinch I had but pain releived as I still had a removal van before my eyes through the hedgerow.

Cup of coffee in hand I immediatley phoned husband who then went out and got a starbucks to celebrate.

We first got an incling of a move way back in June, but then all went quiet and back to frosty stares from them everytime they went past we suffered, but low and behold they did it, they have gone.

To celebrate I thought I would cut the verge when the coast was safe and clear and they had left for the last time. Not a sole came to say farewell, If I had been made aware that today was the day I would have organised a 21 gun salute, one shot would surely have got the bastard by law of averages.

With so much I wanted to say, I thought best to lay low and say nothing at all, so scurried around the house until I thought all was safe.

Out my son and I go with the lawn mower, start its engine and think of stripe verge nirvana, when bugger me there they are, laughing and staring from there car window at the foot of my drive.

Oh hell I thought, I must look so so sad.

So off I scuttle with son screaming that he wanted to cut the grass, so I drag the mower back through and cut the back, with the usuall audience of prunes next door clearly judging me by my stripes, but for the last time, as eventually they went.

And yes, for the first time I got pleasure from cutting the verge, clearly laying out a boundary line for no-one to cross ever again (I have, I just gathered, been in the road too long as I am turning into a verge cutter).

Ah bliss, no more staring no more pinched faces spitting at us with there venom, ah yes, things are definately looking up.

Or are they,

Now I start to wonder who will be arriving at the prunes?, well lets face it they cant be any worse than the prunes themselves - can they?

What a life

2007-09-05T04:38:00.000-07:00

Oh what a life this is.

Sometimes you are dreadfully unlucky and are touched along the path of life with very horrid people, read brain numbing stories of z list celebs trying to make names for themselves, Christopher Biggins, no need to say anymore.

Then there are the few you meet who inspire, catapult you into areas you would never dared to go without the inspiration , support determination of these said few My Husband, who got me through Cancer with my children, Lance Armstrong who through the pages of his book made me get on my bike and get on with things showed me a way out of the darkness, which i pedaled like mad and got through to a future although dimly lit at times - a future.

Jane Tomlinson however pedaled, ran swam, her way making a future for herself out of one she was told she didn't have.

Am amazing woman, husband, family who have been an inspiration and will be an inspiration to many for evermore. She took the crap life threw at her chewed it and spat it out and showed us all that with fight spirit and determination things can most certainly be changed.

I heard the news yesterday on the radio whilst painting the hallway, I was rather excited before the bulletin came on as I had just heard a friend of mine on the radio talking about school sizes, as , as with my son her eldest daughter had started her new "big" school that day.

I myself was not as nervous as she sounded , as after going through what I and my family have I was thank full , so very thank full that I was here to pick up the children and listen to there first day back stories - what ever they where going to be good or bad (luckily they where good), when at the news break the news about Jane Tomlinson came out.

I felt like I had been punched, Cancer is a powerful foe which can crush at any time it wants to, but Jane Tomlinson was proving an exception to that rule, she was calling the shots, she was doing this on her terms, she was showing us all.

You and your husbands courage and fight will not be forgotten

God bless you.

What a wash out

2007-08-19T16:04:00.000-07:00

Were back.

From a week in Devon, well 5 days as it was SO wet and cold we decided (I decided) enough was enough, and we came home.

Never been to Devon before, didn't like the place we stayed in, everyone was called John and all where very surly as other visitors mentioned in the guest book at the house we rented (which I might add at this point was beautiful, only it didn't have any curtains in the lounge so made viewing Dr Who rather difficult when the only sun of the day came over at 7pm; invention to the rescue with bin liners and sticky tape), but we did find a beach about 30 mins away from us which was fantastic for surfing which we all enjoyed very very much.

Although after surfing we were all bloody freezing, with gale force winds whipping around our ears, at one point children and I huddled around smallest member of the family like penguins to try and banish the cold, which took the edge off it all a bit.

I realised on this holiday that my eldest children are ready for a bit more adventure from there holidays, although we had lots of fun, the girls definitely wanted the chance to wear there fashionable summer clothes instead of the fleece and thermal socks which where a must.

It would be very nice to wake up in the morning on holiday and think that we could just go to the beach and spend the day there,and not ,that we can stick it out for a few hours before we get hypothermia.

What with packing lunches, the daily washing of clothes, it didn't really feel like a holiday at all. The only plus was that we where all together and we had Dr Who to watch, and the surfing (body boarding queen I was - even bested the children - ha!), but after three days I was pretty much done, and I think so where the children. I guess after 13 years of sticking it out on a freezing cold beach we are due for a change, and I think next year a change it will be, probably will spend the whole time moaning its too darn hot, no pleasing some people!.

WE came home however to a house full of plaster dust and not much done. Our builders had been given our week away to complete the project, believe me when I say the task involved was not the krypton factor, but none the less has not been finished which of course means they have to return - deep joy.

So we are frantically trying to finish at least one room; the builders obviously have a sense of humour here as they have started 3 rooms and finished none of them, which makes our task slightly impossible. Husband is a master ceiling painter and has achieved 3 ceilings but sadly has run out of paint, so the ceiling he started 4 years ago, yes 4, in the lounge has eluded him once again as this was not a priority.

I have gotten used to order in the home (thanks to Anthea Turner)and feel very very aggravated at the fact it is now not organised and clean. Clean; oh don't get me started on clean, it was a terrible state when we got home, still as the more we try to sort it, the dustier it becomes, I have to keep telling myself it will get better, several times a day, I do hope so.

To top it all we lost 2 of our chickeroonies to a very sly old fox, which was a blow, and very unfair on my poor mother in law to have had to suffer that as she was minding them for us, nothing is going right at the moment.

Still have the dog to collect tomorrow, and chickens will have to be replaced (have told tweenie children that they where sick, so by the time they have got the new ones they will have hopefully forgotten about the old ones -oh the webs we weave)Husband has told me we can get another dog and some piggies, should say hurrah to that but am low on the gusto at the moment, still will keep anyone posted who cares to listen.

Chicken Run!

2007-08-09T04:43:00.000-07:00

Well, a few days to go before we depart on our yearly week away, and boy do we need a break.

The builders are still ploughing away as I blog, and yes I have cursed and praised them (more curse than praise this week), and made oceans of tea and coffee but finally I think there may be a light at the end of this never ending building journey, or maybe if the electrician turns up a light at the end of the hall, the landing even, one can only live in hope.

Hope springing eternal that whilst we are away the builders will drift in and plaster there little trotters off so upon my return I will have a plaster perfect haven of perfection to glide into and wistfully throw myself into a comfy armchair with a steaming cup of coffee in my hand whilst our pets ever so "snow white like" take charge of the laundry, budgies and chickens hanging out the washing which the dog has picked up gently with his teeth and placed in the machine on an Eco friendly 30 degree wash. Which if not for the goldfish in the machine pummelling away at the cloths with there fins would come out more or less the same way as it went in.

I some how don't think the realms of the real world can be stretched this far thus I am expecting not everything to be done but the house buried under an inch or two of plaster dust ready for me to chase the pets around the house with mop and bucket in hand, shout at the children a few times to help out whilst hubby sits in the comfy chair with my hot cup of coffee, that's the vision I will keep in my head so anything slightly better will be a real treat, the only change is that husband will probably have tea instead of coffee but none the less I will visualise.

So this week I have managed to tile a shower, tile and grout a floor from hell, (nothing is level in thes house, including my head), sort out a plumber 3 builders and a serially late electrician. Search the entire county for flip flops for my daughter, ship off the dog to his kennels, whilst trying ever so hard not to cry. Make tea of course for the street it seemed at times, ship off 5 chickens an 8ft run and a make shift hen house over to my mother in laws with 5 children. Negotiating acro props and scaffolding getting the run and chickens through the house which is peppered with every building tool you could imagine and some you can't!.

Cut the grass, clean the fridges and start the arduous task of de dusting the entire house whilst washing and packing and feeding the children every thing in the freezer, oh we had time as well to watch the Illusionist which was cracking, and also The Good Shepherd, which is an illusion as it is dreadful, I had to sit and watch the end as I though something major was going to happen, it did in the form that it took ages to end, I was losing the will to live. Awful!.

So I have today burned a few discs for the car for the journey, scrubbed the bathroom floor, and shot to the shops to get drinks and stuff for the car, whilst trying to relay to the builder that in fact yes we will need a letterbox fitted before we go away, and also it would be nice to have a wall surrounding the front door as my husband does not want to stay behind with a torch and german shepherd, we could just run the Good shepherd I suppose that would keep people away from our door in there droves!.

I now have 5 children fighting over not wanting to share a bag to take every item of clothing they own away after stating pack lightly.

I love my life!

See you when I get back!

Pains in the arse!

2007-08-03T10:28:00.000-07:00

Rather an apt title for me I think!.

Start of the school hols, good so far , although we have an army of builders with us yet again, which is exactly what every mother in the country wants during this rather pleasant interlude from school.

I always look forward to our school hols, too much time spent at school I think.

But due to the bad weather and a stroppy roofer , our latest project spiraled into the first and of course will flow into the second week of the holidays, which doesn't make me feel too happy, as after today things started to go horribly wrong.

Shower tray, 765 x 765 mm. All we needed was a base to fit it, not to much too ask considering the same builders have just built a rather nice extension for us, did they get it right - of course not, but being true builders they fudge the f**k up by making up some hairbrained idea of chiselling walls to make said shower tray fit, well not for them actally to chisel the walls but for the poor plumber who's job it will be to fit the shower to chisel the walls.

My idea (note 5 days ago when cock up was first done) was to knock the thing out and rebuild it to size, not a wild idea I thought, but obviously fell on deaf ears until the 11th hour when I needed the bloody thing to fit so as I could tile the shower area in readiness for the poor plumber to fit it all.

So complete frustration ensues, and after stamping my foot in an email to the builder boss, I get the wall cut out and a shower tray fitted snugly to the shower base, leaving poor poor craftsman late to go home on a Friday night wishing he had built the base in the first place and had not left it to "I cant use a level or a tape measure properly, anyway someone else can sort out my mess" fellow builder.

Please!

So now I have the joyous task of tiling the area, tiling part of the floor in readiness for the poor plumber and for the return of the builders on Monday to knock out several walls and move a few doors- 2 days after I have pissed them off over the bodged up shower tray base.

So all bodes well for Monday then.

Too top it all , Husband has had a crap week, my sons had his hair cut and hates it, and we are going to my mother in laws for a lunch I can't eat.

My life is so full of joy!

Harry Potter - of course!

2007-07-23T00:22:00.000-07:00

Have you have probably discovered by now I am a huge Harry Potter fan, well more than a fan, Harry has been a crutch and a comfort to me in times of pure hellish doom and I will hold him dear in my heart for evermore.

I am not an authority on all things Potter, but the general idea of the series, the characters I can sit alongside comfortably in my minds eye.

This book , which has been long anticipated after the Half Blood Prince was always going to fall short on many peoples expectations as the wait for it has been fairly long, and what with the films the overall presence of Harry has been amplified so that he is real, and everyone has had there own ideas as to what is going to or should happen in this 7th book.

I wont spoil it for you all out there and tell you what happens although I think I could actually get away with it as no-one apparently reads this tosh, but I will say I as comforted again from reading JKS masterpiece, all that I thought would happen - did, but with a few twists and turns along the Way which made it all the more interesting, yes predictable but interesting more the less.

I read this book over the weekend truly captivated by its brilliance, a shining example of story telling bringing fantasy into our world and actually worrying for harry and co, hoping that they would eventually succeed. Anyone who can do that with a pen and paper is a true master of there art.

Ironically I started to read these books a long time before the phenomenon kicked in and thought then after years of not reading anything but maternity magazines, and houses and home of course, that these where a pure gem and couldn't wait for the next installment. Then with the birth of the films imagination fed again with images to go with the story although I had them already as the picture in the books is painted so perfectly it is so easy to visualise Hogwarts, the Burrow, Ron Hermione and of course my favourites Snape and Lucius.

JK has done a masterpiece in giving this creation to the world and the book 7 in my eyes, could never live up to all the hype, and everyone was going to feel disappointed, a bit " what about" and "what if", with it also "what happened to", but its always best as the colonel Tom Parker used to say to "leave them wanting more".

I have taken a lot of things from Harry Potter, and no Bloomsbury before you sue not the story!, I have alongside Harry fought my own demons, have taken much solace in reading and re-reading chapters, have been so engrossed in Harrys torture that I indeed managed to escape many of my own, his character is one you wish you had yourself, and indeed see so much of that in the man I married, I am not now sad, as I thought I would be , as this was indeed to be an end, and not disappointed as by thinking of plot twists and turns within my own head whilst awaiting this book JK has given me the passion of story writing and might I say I have been told I am rather good at it so again something else has come from Harry Potter which if it never was maybe I would never have .........

I did feel the complete sigh of relief from JK at the end of the book, this series was a monster, a mammoth task to complete and I am sure headaches galore for JK herself at times, and I think she should sit back, have a cuppa and think to herself I did that, and I hope at the same time she will think of all the enjoyment she has given people along the way, and if she ever does come across this blog, will take from it that she helped this girl fight her own dark lord and put her faith within the pages of a set of books which indeed helped her win the biggest challenge she faced.

I raise my coffee to you JK

Thank you xx

WHAT A POTTER!

2007-07-14T08:32:00.001-07:00

Just been to see the new Harry Potter Flick, and might I say they have made an excellent job out of in my opinion the Filler book of the series, although, if you are looking JK, the book was an ingenious creation and a stand alone masterpeice in itself.

HArry is a lot older and mature, bound to happen as the years pass!, And as old Voldermort is back the whole feeling is a lot darker, which is put across so so well.

The music at the beginning gripped me from the start and the time flew by without one of the children needing the loo, although downing enough fluids to launch the Black Pearl.

I won't spoil the plot for you (as I did on my Cap'n Jack blog - well for the one person who reads this drivvle anyhow), but do go to see it, as wanting to see or read the next part it will leave you.

I will say though, the saying "everybody has a double" is so very true, as Bellatrix lestrange and I look absolutely identical on a Friday night after a week of listening to my childrens nonsense, and my children, little darlings that they are, say I most definately sound like her too. Yippee, all thats left was for Husband to say that yes , at times I am certainly as unhinged, well hat trick to me, Cindy Crawford would have possibly been better (maybe even Joan), but hey who wants to be boring, they just better hope I dont suddenly start brandishing me wand!.

I am unsure about wanting to read the last book as then it will be over, and along with it a complete chapter of my personal life as Harry and I have been through an awful lot and he has been like a crutch to me when times have been so so bad, so I guess re reads will be the way forward after book 7.

All good things must come to and end, and I so understand why, and truly feel that we have been doubly blessed with this wonderous creation and feel entirely priveledged to have been allowed to enjoy this with my family.

The Shanmeister may be the king of the demons but JK, you are most certainly hero of Hogwarts.

in the words of Dr Who himself - GO JK!!!!!

Not enough hours in the day!

2007-06-25T12:17:00.000-07:00

Ever had the feeling that you are drowning in things to do?

I find that at the moment even the quickest simplest task is being shohorned in between everything else I have to contend with, drowning without the water, thats a good analagy of the situation at the moment.

Health wise, bad, but having to work around the fact that I am in pain at times and worrying about certain factors that accompany the pain, mainly the loo, just having to roll along with it as the following is all on my to do list:

: Wardrobes - fit 3 double sets of

: Pannelling - panel every room in the entire house which yes, did in fact seem like a good idea after rooms 1 and 2 but now the delight of the effect is wearing pretty thin after putting up enough wood to sustain my wood burner for at least, ooh lets say - a decade!

: Kitchen - clean it oh and finish off the brickwork hang a few doors and plaster repaint a wall.

: tile and panel (arrghh) new bathroom

Builders : organise and make tea, hold hands whilst explaining every job in triplicate with actions ( was always fairly good at charades) and placate too every whim

Play charades with children, clean, feed and listen to children, read to children, listen to moaning of children and then run away from children very very fast before I explode.

Calming down again, all the above is quite a lot to get going, the list just keeps going on and on, I stopped and thought about it all the other day for about a nano second ( thats all the time I could spare).

I sat on the roof, and kicked off the moss ; well I would have done had I had a long enough ladder as that needs doing as well. I did stop for a minute though and think hey is all this worth it, running around chasing my tail getting tired and miserable for what, what indeed.

WEll that small minute was all I needed to kick old moaning minny into touch again and firmly. I have never been really miserable, no never I am not a miserable person, heartbroken yes miserable not really, I have had big things to fight and face, most of which I still fight and face now and cannot unfortuneately be fixed by a spot of no nails and a bit of two by two. Tired yes I have done that one in spades some days due to chemo and looking after 5 children, even opening my eyelids was excruciatingly painful and hard to do : even though still not fighting fit and a bit tired, the tired I feel now is a walk in the park.

Out of that negative mode I sanpped there and then, put up a few wardrobes, walked the dog fed the chickens picked up no 5 from playgroup, made him lunch, made a cheesecake, watched a bit of incredibles whilst hemming a skirt, picked up other 4 made dinner, made milkshakes, bathed them all, put chickens to bed, fed dog, fed husband, should switch that last one really!, put children to bed, listened to more moans of the day, and after having a 1 minute shower whilst talking to no 5 about sonic screwdrivers ( reminds me have to tighten door on wardrobe 1), I finally go down wash up and retire to sofa with a bowl of mush and an orange squash, but at least dear friends I did it all today, by myself, and hope to do the same tomorrow and the next day, as I so often I remind myself never ever take anything for granted as it can be snatched away so very bitterly that you have to appreciate everything, well I say that , clearing up after the dog comes way down that list, but still.

Bring on the Shan

2007-06-09T10:42:00.000-07:00

Reasonable Saturday,

Did the usuall Ballet , gymnastics; the children did I mean not me , me well just the taxi service you know how it goes!.

Moved the chickens to there new fenced in home at the end of the garden, chased the chickens to get them into there new fenced in home at teh end of the garden!.

Watched the children swim, changed the children , fed the children, put up a picture rail in my daughters room,cut hair, as I say usuall stuff.

My daughter wondered if I had time to dig a small pond for the chickens, affraid I didn't, must be getting lazy in my years, I actually for once had something better to do......

Something absolutely wonderful to do during my long frequent moments in the cloakroom (sorry, the new Darren Shan.

Long have I awaited this book, since the last in the Demonata series which I think was a filler book leading to this one and then to the end.

All I can say very briefly now as I have to wash up get snacks for all before Dr Who starts, was that it is absolutely FANTASTICO!!! and no, I will never use that word again, promise!!!!!

The Shan meister is truly on top gripping form in this one, the man is a genius, and all in the filler book (BEC) makes sense, what a magician the man is.

GO GO GO THE SHANMEISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yo Ho Ho and a bottle of rum!!!!

2007-05-31T15:19:00.000-07:00

Took the offspring to see Pirates of the Carribean - Worlds End, and must say contrary to the reviews the film has been getting , I rather quite enjoyed it!.

I have long awaited the ending of these fabulously entertaining films, made for family viewing, it is ever so nice to be able to sit alongside your children and watch something without swearing and nudity, which in turn stops me from having to stretch my arm across 5 sets of eyes and split my hands into 10 to cover 5 sets of ears!

Although granted the film was a bit longer than it needed to be (the bits with JACK in the locker with several other Jacks didn't do it for me, there is of course ONLY 1 Johnny Depp!) the time went very quickly and we laughed sat on the edge of our seats in the tremendous fighting scenes, and I cried at the end (Will and Elizabeth) but left the movie with the sense that this has been set up for another offering in a few years time once everyone has aged a bit and the boxed sets have sold a few.

To me the ending let it down , as Jack sets off to find the fountain of youth with a map he stole from Captain Barbosa who in turn has stolen the Black Pearl from Jack - again (but still as witty, I don't think the joke of stealing the Black Pearl will ever wear thin).

Elizabeth is left on the beach, all alone in the world (as her father had been killed during the shenanigans of the film) waiting to see Will return in ten years time on the flying Dutchman (he can only step foot on land once every ten years as he is now captain of the infamous Dutchman) which of course insists that Elizabeth will of course need the fountain of youth as well as Jack to stay immortal for her beloved husband Will or she will only get to see him for 4 possibly 5 days before she pegs it?. And I am quite sure she knows about the map to the fountain of youth as when she was made Captain of Sho Fengs Ship (this was a bit far reaching), and forced to leave it (I won't spoil it for you by who if you haven't seen it already) the crew where holding the cases, apart from the fact that Liz is a woman and should know everything of importance anyway, I think this cues her in for a voyage to find the fountain via Jack?, OR, Liz will age and her path will cross with jacks again and he will be as youthful as ever, hence forth another voyage for the ageing Liz and youthful Jack?oh forgot to metion, Liz is the Pirate Lord now also, so she'll have a crew and a ship (sho Fengs), which would in turn be kept safe on any voyage by old hubby Will (flying Dutchman ruler of the seven seas) so cue again Pirates 4. Which by her being a Pirate lord, Captain of a pirate ship should ensure her a place aboard the Dutchman anyhow?

Barbosa also wanted the fountain, which in turn he could use old Liz against Jack as he could use Wills heart (kept by Liz in a box) as leverage? Trust me, if I can work all this out, it really has been set up for another one, if work dries up for Johnny and co and there short of a bob or two I guess they will be up for it.

I felt sad for the love birds and sad that possibly Captain Jack Sparrow will be left to find the fountain on his own in his clinker boat, and even sadder that this much awaited ending of the trilogy was just, well , another brilliant offering but no further to ending then I am to marrying Captain Jack.

The twist with the sword which kills Will was genius (it was the one he made for commander Norrington in the first film), as was the way Jack plots and subplots time after time. His overall plan in this was to become Captain of the Dutchman, but in a twist at the end his plan turns sour , but if he had succeeded (which he would have done if they had all stopped talking) it would have been an ending to the 3 films, and not the birth of a fourth.

I thought the main characters all acted well although I do find it a bit hard to beleive Elizabeth slaying hardened Pirates weighing in at 7 stone soaking wet, but still , thats Hollywood, and it wouldn't have been as entertaining if she was built like a hungarian shot putter.

Johnny, well Johnny is just superb in his portrayal of the witty Jack, comedy timing genius, and not half bad to look at. Supported superbly by Captain Barbosa in this one who made his scenes his own especially when facing the Dutchman at Worlds End. Will although classed as "Wet Will", has true valour and an honest heart so the character gets the thumbs up in my book, although granted I don't knowe how long he would have lasted if this be real.

The smaller subplots where not needed as they only detracted from what was really going on and all that we wanted to see, but I guess they where in there to make the special bits seem just that bit more so. Sho Fengs lair at the start was a good opening, but sort of had no where to go in the time frame as it had such a big slot in the opening because of the maps, but had to be squeezed in alongside everything else, which worked as a whole (after you leave the cinema it all makes perfect sense in your imagination) bt felt a bit squeezed in whilst watching, and Sho Fengs demise a bit rushed, sort of, what rotten luck he was standing in his cabin right on the spot that the Dutchman was to fire its cannon and a peice of the ship was to shatter and stab him. Although whilst writing this I have realised again that this film was made for children in mind so this would just seem rotten luck to them as they woulkd think this a fitting end and yes, just bad luck.

I do feel I want to see the film again, (just in case the ending changes!)but will wait for of course the DVD.

With the Lord of the Rings Trilogy I did feel after the last one, Return of The King, that it was finished and felt complete in that, but of course that was a book so it would have an end, with Pirates I did not, and felt a bit hollow?, strange isn't it that a film can do that to you, and characters can get under your skin, after all we have become so familiar with the main characters over the three films they are a bit ike old friends, well they are in my little world anyhow.

So if there was a fourth film in a few years time, I don't think it would be a bad thing as long as this one ended with a way to reunite Liz and Will for ever (dead or alive as long as they where together), I mean there must be a way?, answers on a postcard to......, ( I think that there is some magic out there somewhere, or could she join the crew of the Dutchman?, come on writers you can pinch my ideas for a few shackles - do we have an accord?)and Captain Jack with his Pearl, that would truly put a full stop on the end of the film.

The cardboard cutouts of Elizabeth , Will and Jack at the cinema entrance are fantastic and do perfect justice to the overall film, which in its entirity is a good old battle over whats right and wrong - apart from the fact that Pirates are wrong, ie murder and theiving, but still - its Captain Jack folks!

Good old family swashbuckling entertainment though,

Hoist the colours,

Take all you can, give nothing back!

Jack is Truly Back in fine form, but I really really do hope, he "Will" "Liz" forever, sorry had to be done!

Its the chicken man!

2007-05-14T10:31:00.000-07:00

They have arrived!.

For years now I have been toying with the idea of keeping chickens. I am very much in love with the whole country life thing, I have magazines brimming inside the house from country life to period house, wellies by the door, which now in an ever so rhyming fashion sit with the straw by the door - bliss!

WEll it would be if the bloody things ever lay an egg.

WE have five chickens, one for each of our young;although they where in fact a birthday pressent for me, I guess I get the good job of poop cleaning and no bird - such is life.

So, 5 chickens one white 2 brown, and 2 black, white chicken is my favourite as she is the only one laying an egg at the moment (we have had them all nearly a fortnight now and my husband is avidly eyeing up the stockpot after checking the bank balance each and every night noting how much the darn things cost to set up with still no return by the way of eggs on our investment).

Yes indeedy countdown to casserole has started in our house with 3 days to go before they get the , er, chop suey treatment, again sods law I still wont be having any part of the birds due to the fact I cannot eat anything other than baby mush or special k, please don't get me started on crisps, I eat so many I have started to have dreams about them ganging up and chasing me, better leave that one for another time I think, the wranglings of my mind are not for the faint hearted.

So chickens , and a bloodhound, a garden which has become a shrine to my local garden centre turning into a cottage garden of england ever ever so slowly, my dreams of country living are very nearly complete, (talking of dreams, the prunes are in fact moving, joyous as I am to be parted from them finally as we truly do not get on, I honestly wish them well , and feel soooo sorry for who gets them next), cath kidston table cloth on order whistling kettle, its all falling into place, ahh yes life in my quiet country life sanctuary is bliss, the downside to this wonderful enchanting dream is that today I had a deep filling which in turn led the dentist to reveal I need route canal treatment, knocked the spots off my cath kidston cloth, and made the gently cooing of the chickens sound like thunder from the pain of the tooth.

Ah well I guess dreams are meant to be exactly what they are, just dreams, which is what makes them so so very special when we are dealing with reality, for where else would we escape to when the old dentists drill is whurring away, or the egg holder is gathering dust through its empty, very empty wholes?

For me, Iescape to a field of clematis creeping up the pergola butterflies fluttering past a grassy undulating lawn, and a bloody great whole the dog has just dug with the children wallowing in the dirt, I guess I mix a bit of the dreamer with reality,

Well you cant have your tea and cake (on a cath kidston cloth), (from a whistling kettle), and eat it, can you!

Certainly not, if the cakes where pretty it would spoil my dream!

and put crumbs on the cloth

3 days to go... come on girls cluck cluck or chop chop up to you!!!!!!!

A DISH BEST SERVED COLD

2007-03-28T01:26:00.000-07:00

WEll anyone who has read me book A November To Remember, and if you haven't shame on you!, will know that I have had bowel cancer and have been renovating my house, at the same time as having bowel cancer which wasn't obviously planned but happened so we had one of two options A. pack up and run which we felt like doing often, or 2. Bulldog spirit , stay and fight - we choses option 2, a framed portrait of Sir Winston hangs in our hall -V for victory- or in our case at times v for vacant as in where are your brains.

It was a living nightmare which without the cancer many would have given up in exasperation, damp, no heating, no electrics, one room shared by all seven of us, we felt like squaters, but as we had far more pressing and important things to deal with it all got lost in one big mess of a mix and somehow we got through.

We are now surfacing from the drowning feeling of property developing, and now have rooms to go to which are bright and relatively clean, I say relatively as goober from the bloodhound hangs from walls and I have even noticed some on the ceiling - well it all adds a certain character doesn't it, so I will deal with that when I have nothing better to do, so sometime never then.

In January however I had a notion to dig up the driveway and do it up, as I was sick of seeing patchy grass and mud from the kitchen window, which is now nearly finished and looks rather splendid.

So armed with a shovel off I pop after dropping of the children to there schools and playgroups to begin the digging. I was however on morphine at the time as I had foolishly eaten at christmas (after the cancer I cannot eat very much but succumbed to the turkey and paid the price with pain) and was suffering from a blockage, I was in the hope that excersise would help shift blockage which I think it did, and got the driveway started to boot , so two birds with one stone.

Afterplaygroup my little one would help armed with a spade and quietly we would dig through the wind and the rain only stopping for cbeebie breaks and of course for me the morphine, which I think was toget me through the cbeebies and not the pain at times - what a load of old tosh.

Then we had the amazing rain and winds which scuppered everything in the front for weeks with a tree blowing down over newly dug drive which now resembled a qwagmyer due to the rain, I began to think, why did I start this - oh shit it looks even worse that it did.

Well annoying neighbour of course thought the same,who I have named PRUNES

P POMPOUS

R RUDE

U UNIMPORTANT

N NEIGHB

E ERING

S cant think of anything for this one, well I can but not printable

for the amount of times they walked past, back and forth and smirked at the fallen tree, if I had a pop gun I could have played shoot a duck like at the fairground, I bloody well wouldn't have missed.So instead of screening themselves from the appaling mess (rome wasn't built in a day you know)what do they decide to do, put up a fence, please please plesae, no,they decide to cut back all the trees which are ours by the way, that run along the flank, so it can be seen even more????,

WHAT!!!!!!

The shame of it was, as we do not speak to them, you can probably see why ,was we where going to have the overgrown bushes cut back anyway to make way for a fence, to block them out - er I mean for privacy, so on the Sunday ready for the tree man to arrive on the monday out we go in the pouring rain armed with loppers and sheers and cut back all the overgrowth leaving a channel by the excisting fence to accomidate the new one, so prune wasted his time cutting back our trees, and as you can imagine was a tad well furious!.

I arrived back from the school run to see Mrs Prune hands on hips staring at me through openness, puffing out her cheeks smoke billowing from her nostrils before huffing into her house and of course slamming the door.

I then had the task of continuing the lopping (tree man had called and said he would be here tomorrow), as rain stopped play yesterday, whilst Mr Prune stood inches in front of me again puffing and chortling a pompous chortle awaiting a response from moi.

Well he didn't get one although I had several things in my mind ready, again none printable, before he went off to slam his wheelie bins and head back into house.

I got the job finished only to receive a call from tree man to say his dog was ill and the job would have to be put off until next month - oh dear, a month of staring from prunes, the thought sent shivers down my spine, so off I pop to the garden centre to buy screening as a temporary measure , which after getting small one into the car, if looks could kill, the way I was being stared at by both prunes through open expanse of boundary, I would be six feet under by now, was a must.

So....., the saga continues of putting up screening for the rest of the week, under stare conditions and tuts and chortles, definately not from us if cbeebies was on, until the job was done, excellent I thought, now you cannot see us but more importantly I cannot see you. And as the best neighbour you can have is a high fence, I beleived job was done, although only temprarily until tree man came with new fence, but for now job done.

Well after they had kicked the posts a few times, no tuts or chortles now, over the next few days, everything we thought had died down, no-one likes change , and as we fell out over the garden not being done a few years ago in the first place - after all we did have a few more pressing things on our minds at the time in our defence 5 children, cancer, after having 6 tonne of aggragate delivered last week the driveway is now done, complete with trees shrubs and planters, all we need now is the tree man to do the fence and remove the poor fallen tree the job will be done.

Even delivery men have commented on how wonderful the transformation looks, from mud patch to low maintainence perfection.

So I go into Kitchen to have a coffee and admire my hard work t'other day and I see my screening moving, prune is pushing into it, undeterred I have my coffee although still watching intently, funny how you get isn't it!, thinking screening only a temporary measure until fence comes, not long to wait, but guess what, now prune cannot see us and even if he could driveway is finished, he decides to put up a fence! Brains or what, why didn't he do it when it was a mud patch instead of staring at me, unless they want to stare? I dunno but it seems rather foolish to put one up now?

So , me thinks I don't need to put one up then, saves us a few bob, which I relay to tree man who was about to order said fence, so just in the nick of time I stopped him.

I cannot understand people, especially ones who have been on this earth far longer than I. Could it be that with age you feel you have the right to be petty and get away with anything? Use your acid tongue at will to spit at people who are guilty of creating change but nothing more? People who saw a chance and went for it, and then through sheer adversity conquered?. I think so, and I guess after all weve been through my husband and I will turn into miserable old buggers, I just hope I get the chance to get that old!, still out of sight out of mind, even though I do hold a grudge, it works for me.

If I HAD however bided my time and thought of a plan of revenge, after the initial backlash form the prunes, to play devils advocate (hmm hmm, theres gambling going on in this establishment) by digging up the driveway -leaving it for a bit, aided by the heavens above themselves with the storms, knowing full well it would drive prunes to distraction, and hopefully put up a fence, the words played fiddle and like spring to mind, it would havebeen a plan of sheer perfection, even the SAS couldn't have executed it any better, dear Sir Winston would have been so proud. All thats left would be to put up the union Jack in the middle of the drive.

But of course I am not that devious, and have far better things to do with my time haven't I?

Flag pole goes up next week!

Bin and Gone!

2007-03-22T05:34:00.000-07:00

Wheelie bins, when they first came on the scene everyone thought what a wonderful contraption, god bless the man who invented them. They are relatively easy to manouver , are quite spacious, and easy to clean, I will say it again god bless that wonderful wheelie bin man, that was before we went from weekly collections to fortnightly collections, now I curse the horrible little bugger who invented the damn things.

I can remember in my youth, the bin men bustling down the street, walking up the garden path to hoist a metal bin over there shoulder, which was emptied and then placed back inch perfect in position closing the gate as they left - how far we have come since then......

Nowa days if the bin is a fraction open, it won't be taken, I remember having a conversation over the phone with the refuse office about a such incident when our recylcling bin wasn't emptied as it wasn't completely shut, "health and safety, something could fall out and fall on our workforce" was the responce I got, something could fall out?, of a recycling bin? I can see the headlines now MAN CRUSHED BY A PINEAPPLE CHUNK TIN or SHOCK HORROR TOILET ROLL TUBE FLATTEN BIN MAN, what a load of old tosh.

Strikes me that the lazy buggers will the bins to be open as then its one less they have to empty. Mind you the job nowadays is fairly easy in our road, we all leave our bins at the roadside handes facing outwards for ease of collection, which if we are lucky enough to have them emptied, get strewn along the roadside hap hazard,lids flapping in the wind - it's all wrong you know, what the hell are we paying for.

It is truly a releif to find that the bins have been emptied, as once I did note a little man with the bin men examining the contents of the bins, (yes checking, how very very sad)to make sure that it was indeed recycling in the green bin and we hadn't been so terribly naughty as to put last nights leftovers in , as an act of rebellion. Dear me, its so good to know that the tax payers money is being put to good use, I bet the wheelie bin rubbish checkers mum is so proud of her sons position, all those years of education put to such good use.

Well this week for us it was green bins and garden waste, the latter which we pay extra for I might add. We have two green bins as we have a dispensation form the council for an extra bin as we have a large family (nice of them), which are always brimming, but not open, for collection as they are fortnightly, and as you can set your watch by our bin men, always ready for collection for when they come. Well today they tried to catch us all out, by coming 4 hours early.

There we all are having breakfast, trying to wrestle 5 children into clothes when there flys past the dustcart, leaving our packed to the rafter bins, packed to the rafters as they had not yet been put out by the roadside but where still in the drive.

Total Panic, out I ran in pyjamas and slippers trundling the bins to the verge, I was not alone thank fully as everyone else who had not yet left for work did the same , and there we all stood looking after the fleeting dustcart distressed as to what we where going to do for the next two weeks with our rubbish.

Then, the neighbour to my left who I despise intently, takes off up the road with his wheelie bin in tow chasing after the bin men - this was turning into a farse - Benny HIll must have been smiling down at this point. It was classic comedy, the red faced little bugger set off at speed he was like a whippet, shouting "stop, stop" as he charged forward, I was in tears and not because they hadn't taken me rubbish. I felt like running inside and getting the children to witness this abandonisation of dignity, but couldn't move from the spot. He finally gave up 200ft down the road as the dustcart sped off, not caring to stop, his importance clearly is as lost on them as it is on us, but great comedy value, I didn't care about the bins then.

I left them at kerbside , whilst a neighbour called the council who apparently said, "you should put your bins out the night before" to every question he asked ,he continually kept stating that there is no need as they usually come the same time every week, but was only answered with "put them out the night before", what day is it today ?"put them out the night before", do you like easter eggs? "put them out the night before", It was like a droid with a set programmed responce.

I decided to leave the bins out as I gathered many would complain so the bin men would have to come back, those fiends, who indeed did the next morning and collected the rubbish albeit a day late and of course more of the tax payers money wasted - it was collected.....apart from running mad neighbour who had taken his bin in in disgust and not put it back out, it would have been only too sweet for him to take chase again, but he did not this time, I bet he was still knackered from the previous days excertion 200mtrs wheelie bin sprint, fool!

So next week it is the general waste collection whereas our bin along with the rest in our street will be put out the night before to avoid this disaster happening again - I say disaster far greater things have happened to us but its nice to have this one for a change.

The devil in me does feel like sneaking back important neighbours bin into his drive just to see him jet off again, but of course I am not that sad.............

well not quite yet anyway!

Party Time!

2007-03-17T16:59:00.000-07:00

PARTYS!!

"A lunchbox, who invited that kid?"

Those imortal lines from Toy Story, sent laughter through every child in the room. I in fact would have invited the lunchbox kid back , and twice on a sunday as this is a very good present, in the sence that you can actually use it!!!!!.

Party gifts truly take mums and dads to the brink of insanity at times, especially if like me you have several children, which means that storage space is always to capacity, certain things bought for one can be potentially dangerous for another, leading to the gift being packed away until child is out or in bed before it is safe to use without the threat of a trip to casualty at midnight- that one always goes down well - not., and of course on the first glance beneath the shining wrapping paper the first thought bought to mind is oh hell, anything but that.

WE have had 5 birthdays in our house (not including the dogs) since christams and are truly partied out at "pressent" - if you pardon the pun. I have listed my top ten party poopers and bloomers below, so sit back, think thoughts of screaming kids, ice cream on the rug and happy birthday being sung in every octave possible, have thoughts of smashy and nicey, da da da da da da da da da, and read on........

In reverse order, in at....

10. The puzzle: this one is usually bought by a mum with 1 or two children, who just cannot wait to see you in the school playground to ask "did he like the puzzle I got him", closely followed by "I got him the higher age group, as my Johnny can do the younger one so easily, in fact...." yes , yes, he can do this one tap dancing on one leg blindfolded, maybe he should try sudoku?. This is a classic gift from a mum of a small family. Nothing wrong in a jigsaw or talking about your kids acheivements, but as I have 5 of my own, I couldn't really give a buggery b*******s, if Johnny was off to Oxford. My child however tried to do the puzzle in the bath, and no, it wasn't waterproof, 1 down 9 to go!

9. Books: this is a good one as everyone reads, and the children all like a good book. The only thing is we have received some over the years that have been on special from the supermarket at about £3.99 when you get a collosus book with 700 pages , what good value, and a great big pressie to give for less than a fiver with packing. But at 3 years old you cannot lift the bloody thing without a tow truck.

8. Skipping ropes - yes , quite a logical one for a little girl, but when they are on special at Asda you end up getting 10, which in our house get tied together and then lassooed around the two youngest strapping one to a chair, and cocconing the second. After this original game wheres off, they get strewn around the garden, buried in the mud, and stay that way until said child sees a sunny day and suddenly wants one, which after a mass search,(one of nine is all we can find as mummy has been discarding them weekly,), which has by now become knotted and soggy and bears no resembelance to the lovely glittery handled item she was given.

7. Lunchbox, my favourite, something you can actually use for a time after the party, great present, a bit sad, but great for mums.

6. Clothes: yes I can hear groans of boredom from children all across the world, what would you prefer young Johnny, an action man which you can tear its head off, or a t-shirt?, I know which mum would prefer. Having a large family myself, clothes are a godsend, as the younger ones all wear hand me downs so it is a treat for them to receive something with a tag on it!, and no stains. I always actually by clothes, as I know you can pop them in a drawer after the party and make use out of them, so in my eyes my money has been put to good use.

5. Sand art: I think there was a misprint here it should read sad art, does it ever look like the picture on the box - I think not.

4. Scooby - Doos, those hatefull peices of plastic string which when twisted together make a thicker multicoloured plastic string which has no apparent use at all. Apart from giving your poor parents bad backs from picking the damn things up from corners of the room every day and chucking them in the bin.

4. Lego/macano. Oh no bits all over the place, have you ever trod on a peice of this stuff, obviously the people who bought it have not, it bloody well hurts. None of my children have ever spent longer than 10 minutes in our house actually building anything with lego, throwing it at each other yes, building no. But then if I take them to the doctors, dentists where there is lego, they'll play with it for hours?.

3. Beads - beads, beads, beads, why oh why beads. A nightmare if you have younger members of the family, beads to me spell out more danger than what they are actually worth. My girls actually love beads, and I do so love the necklaces and bracelets that they make for me, but what a nightmare to keep.If they are not spilling out of the incompetently made packaging within an hour, you are doing well. We have the added addition over the years of holding a baby under one arm out of distance of the beads in fear of him choking, whilst trying with the other arm to make wonderous desighns with the other 4 children. Once when we had three, my son actually swallowed a rather large seal shaped bead, panic set amongst us, whilst I phoned casualty who asked if he was breathing ok, "yes yes" I frantically replied with my son perched on top of the kitchen table giving him 3 minute obsevations, whilst my husband threw beads in the bin to the wailing of the other child, the baby was fast asleep and missed it all but we checked her for bead inhalation anyway. Then we had the enviable task of checking his stools for the next 4 weeks, yes 4, to see if said seal emerged. It never did, but was very amusing for my son who was 3 at the time, looking round the toilet pan for sammy seal - yes it was named, but no we never found him, and yes again poo was disected. So think again all you pressent givers next time you see the shiny beads!

2. The runner up is, Modelling kits, The idea is of course a very good one. The mum purchasing the pressent pictures the birthday child sitting quietly with there mum making the model and then painting it to box illustration proportions, all grinning broadly and sipping chammomile tea - Wrongo. Whenever we have done one of these ,again it has taken months to get round to doing as there always seems to be something more important to do....., once model making starts, you first find that all bits are not there due to the fact it was opened on the birthday and not put back properly (or thrown away by me- oops), then after getting plastercast stuck in mould breaking it in two and putting it back together with superglue you have to wait an entire day before you can start painting, which in turn leads to more frustration.

Painting of course commences within the hour, with the model looking like a melted popcicle, and childs face resembling the same with tears. So after consoling child and putting the iffy model in the display case, praying that it does not fall apart completely, off we set to buy something in consolation, great present!

1. Glitter, all that glitters is certainly not gold, glitter is a wonderous thing in very small doses, but after a party when all presents are ravaged to see the entire content, glitter is a real no- no, On thing that always used to make us laugh was that my 2 year old could not say gl, and glitter came out as shi......er!, you get the picture. And so did we, glitter pictures in there droves, walls covered , floors worktops, yes that old glitter gets everywhere, and sticks to everything except the bloody picture!.

Please please , all pressent givers out there, stick to the lunch box!